i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
