You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
