I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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