Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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