Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if only i could text you this smell
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
