So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
