He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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