All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
