I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I deserve this hangover.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
