How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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