ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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