i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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