I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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