i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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