Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
