Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
