im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
im six kinds of drunk right now
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
