Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
