last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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