I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
