it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
