I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
