My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
