its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
