Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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