my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
