Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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