My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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