Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
