If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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