Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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