I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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