come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
