my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can you bring me the toilet please
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
