You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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