I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
