Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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