I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
