Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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