Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
