Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
