I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
