This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
