Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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