New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
