There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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