It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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