She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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