I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
