Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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