awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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