You're so nebulous sometimes
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
