Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
