there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
