On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
