I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
