I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
