Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
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Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
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I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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