once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
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You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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