I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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