I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's never too late to be topless.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
