I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
