come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
