I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Holy sore nipples Batman
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
