Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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