Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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